The person I am today is a night and day difference of the person I was a year ago. Not only was my faith pretty shaky, my confidence was almost totally broken down. As a new nurse there are so many stressors (#pleasejustletmekeepthemalive). But seriously, you are learning where all the supplies are, learning the computer system, learning to take care of human lives, and hoping your co-workers enjoy working with you. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It truly takes about a year to transition to a new career and I have experienced that first hand. “It never get’s easier, you just get stronger.” –Unknown
I was telling a near and dear friend recently that I felt like I was finally “stepping into myself.” I feel at home with who I am and what I stand for. But it has been a long road my friends. Social anxiety. Depression. Fear of the unknown. Insecurities about my beauty, or lack thereof. Not knowing if what I believe is worth following. Just to name a few. (For a more full picture take a look back at my post Let’s be Real Here). You can see how that could break anyone’s confidence. So how am I the confident woman I am today?
My God seems to believe I was worth pursuing. He didn’t want me falling off the perverbial boat. He wanted his beloved daughter to defeat depression and anxiety for his glory. I was blessed with a community of women I didn’t know I needed who were willing to listen, be non-judgmental, and challenge me to a different way of thinking. I was refreshed by the truth of God’s word through my pastor at Connection church.
I’ve been realizing just how sinful I am recently. And selfish, to be more specific. I was sitting in my living room the other day and decided I wanted to go into the other room. So naturally, I turned the light off. The only problem was that there was another person in there, my roommate Julie. If this had been a one time thing, it’s no big deal. But I do it to her all the time! I leave her in the dark in the bathroom when we are both getting ready and in the kitchen when we are both cooking. Why? Because I’m incredibly selfish! I simply don’t realize another person is in the room. Comical? Very. Revealing of a deeper sin nature? Um….yep. And I think we all share this universal flaw of sin. Romans 3: 10-11, “No one is righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands; there is no one who seeks God.” I mean look at children…when you ask my brother what toy is his daughters’ favorite, do you know what his reply is? “Whatever toy the other one has.” I mean isn’t that so true of our lives even in our very first years?
Ok, this was supposed to be about confidence. Maybe your thinking you got lost in a myriad of melencholy blog posts. Well hold on tight my friends because there is good news ahead! The world says all sorts of things that seem positive and are “feel good” for the moment, yet are very empty promises. Christianity sends another message entirely.
Romans 8: 1-5, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.”
I am no longer condemned. Even through all my sinfulness. I am fully loved. I am fully accepted. I am righteous. I don’t have to fear that because of my past that I am not enough. God is such a good good father to his children. I am overjoyed to get to follow and bring glory to The One who is all worthy, all perfect, and all holy. In addition to my spiritual journey, he has brought cherished friends, treasured colleagues, stronger bonds with my family, and a deeper connection with my patients. In our social media crazed and disconnected world, our God is fiercely relational. He intends for us to bloom in community.
Thanks for hanging in there with me throughout this long post. My journey to confidence is so upside-down and backwards in comparison to the world’s advice, but it is so much more fulfilling because it’s not an empty promise.
Dedicated to all “The Joyful Nurses,”
‘**Photography credit: Julie Yang Photography